Lost

I'm lost
So
Freaking
Lost
Lost in myself
And pain that should have ended
But why?
Why?!?!?!?
Does it keep invading my thoughts?
Something that I lost
Something that was given to me
Something that I created
Her every word
Stuck
And yet I have tried to move on
But why am I stuck!
It's selfish of me
To think that she hasn't moved on
To think that she hasn't gotten rid of this pain
But why?!
Why am I so lost?
....... I don't know what to do.....
I stay occupied
I keep moving
Talking
Anything to keep my mind off of the past
I can't go back
I can't change it!!!
Yet it haunts me........
Like a plague......
It has torn my open
Slowly
But it is when I stop moving
And try and rest
Does is assault my mind
Mortars and barrages of memories passed
The automatic fire of conversations long since ended
Why?
Why am I like this!?!?!
Why can't I move on?
........... Perhaps she feels the same way?
No..... No that's wrong and selfish!
But.... What if..... What if you're right?
I'm wrong, she's moved on!
Build a bridge
And get over it!
Bridge...... My grandma plays bridge
Oh, I still haven't gotten her those playing cards yet
I need to do that
I'm a man of my word
And I promised her I would do it
Why?
Because. Every household needs playing cards!
No, why do it. At all?
Because I wish to
Is it perhaps that you still love her? That you want to win her back?
No! No she's moved on! There's no point
Gott verdammt!
I'm so lost
No one ever told me about this
This uncharted territory
I've seen it before
But not on this magnitude.........
It hurts so badly
All I want is for it to end
But I don't know how to do that....
I'm so lost......